Tag: relationships in recovery

Being Bigger Than Your Boyfriend

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Do you feel self-conscious about being with a partner that is smaller than you?

You’re not alone.

I think a lot of people feel this particular insecurity. One of the many many factors that went into me wanting to lose weight so long ago was feeling uncomfortable about weighing significantly more than my ex. That was very dumb because the weight loss and subsequent eating disorder put a way bigger strain on our relationship than my insecurity ever did.

There is this common heterosexual relationship myth that the female should be smaller than the male. But like, why? Seriously, why? I have always been attracted to people who are smaller than me in some way. I can’t help who I like. My mom is taller than my dad and they’ve been married for over 30 years.

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My mom and dad ~ 1984

The feeling that you need to be smaller than your partner is one of those things that’s been pounded into our head over and over from the media and our culture. It’s silly though because if we limited the people we were allowed to love by certain classifications like race, gender, or size than we would miss out on the opportunity to be with incredible people who may have the power to love, shape, and change us forever.

If you’re worried about what other people are thinking about the two of you than you’re not thinking about your relationship the right way. If you’re truly in love or on your way to being in love than who the fuck cares what others think? You only need to seek validation from yourself and your partner. But mostly yourself.

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Maybe you’re in a relationship with someone smaller and you are feeling a little uncomfortable or self-conscious in front of them. I get that. I have been guilty of covering my stomach, avoiding being on top, and other stupid shit like that. What I came to realize eventually is that my partner is not blind or dumb. They know what I look like and they chose to be with me NOT in spite of but likely because of it. It’s not that you’re someone’s fetish – because you are so much more than that.  Your body is unique and beautiful, and your partner chose to be with you because they love you and everything you got going on.  If you feel self conscious in front of them then to me that feels like you don’t fully trust them yet. You know what might help with that? Talking to them about it.

If you think you’re too heavy or gaining too much weight and that you’re partner won’t love you because of it – listen to me, it’s all in your head. If your partner didn’t want to be with you they wouldn’t. We’re all human we have free will. Any insecurity you feel comes from within. Take time to work on your self esteem and body positivity and realize that your partner is LUCKY to be able to touch your soft skin and beautiful body.

 

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*IF A PARTNER EVER MAKES YOU FEEL SELF CONSCIOUS IN A NEGATIVE WAY OR VERBALLY ABUSES YOU ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT, LOOKS, OR ANYTHING ELSE – GTFO GIRL. Life is too damn short for that bullshit and there are plenty of other people who aren’t asshats out there for you.

 

 

Relationships in Eating Disorders and Recovery

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Happy Valentines Day to all of you!  I hope you have a wonderful day celebrating all of the love in your life.  Love between family, friends, pets, and romantic partners!  Being in a romantic relationship  while suffering or recovering from an eating disorder is not an easy task.  Often it is difficult for a partner to handle the stresses of the disorder by watching their loved one hurt themselves emotionally or physically.  I’ve been with people through every stage of my journey and here is what I’ve learned.

When I got sick I was dating my now ex-boyfriend.  Our relationship was long distance and he was with me when I developed anorexia, suffered from it, and made my first few attempts at recovery.  Overall, he handled it pretty well and was very supportive but over time the stress and seemingly unending pain started to wear him down and after dating for almost three years he left me.  (Whatever, I’m too good for him so it’s cool).  From that experience I learned the following tips:

  1. It’s okay to tell your partner what is going on with you and keep them included, but don’t turn them into your personal therapist. Don’t put absolutely every burden you are dealing with onto them (remember a lot of these thoughts are not your own, but originate from the disorder). A person may love you but everyone has their limits and one person cannot be responsible for handling all of your problems.
  2.  Allow them to cope however they need to.  Everyone handles stressful and difficult situations differently and there is nothing wrong with that.
  3. Don’t blame them for trying to help.  Even if the help is unwarranted or not actually helpful.  If you feel your partner trying to help you, be an effective communicator about what would be the best way for them to do that.eric cartman help GIF by South Park
  4. Make sure your partner can handle the stress of loving someone with a mental disorder.  Sometimes people just can’t, and you cannot put your entire reasons for happiness into your faith in another being.  You need to be okay relying on yourself and paid professionals.

I have been with my current partner for a little over 2 years and we are as happy as can be.  I’m writing this as I stare at the beautiful flowers he had sent to my office.  I am lucky to be recovered and to rarely ever flirt with a relapse, but nonetheless I now have the tools to be able to handle our relationship in a more mature way.

Happy valentines day everybody!  Hold your person close, they love you (even if your person is your mom or your cat).cat lady pet GIF